THE FACH OFF.
(rejected sketch originally intended
for Capitol Opera Richmond “Opera Through the Ages”)
a small fold
out stage, actual crowd seated in folding chairs. LOYD is an actor planted in
the front row. Four singers finish an operatic number and the MCEE steps up
MCEE
A beautiful
number, give it up ladies and gentlemen!
(to
the singers)
And ladies,
if you don’t mind gather around please.
Ladies and gentlemen this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate a
little something about the natural texture of the human voice, you see we have
here four singers, all females, all sopranos, but there is a natural difference
in each of their tones which places them into subcategories classified by the
“Fach System.” You see here we
have a Coloratura Soprano
(girl 1 steps up and
sings)
beautiful,
then we have a Lyric Soprano
(girl 2 steps up and
sings)
a Spinto
Soprano
(girl 3 does the same)
and a
Dramatic Coloratura Soprano
(and girl four)
thank you
girls, and as for you all we thought it might be a fun demonstration to pick a
one of you to come up here and sing, and have our professionals place you into
the Fach System!
(audience applauds)
so, lets
see… how about you sir in the front there, come on up here
(more applause while
Loyd climbs up on the stage)
tell the
nice people your name
LOYD
Umm, my
names Loyd Dobbler,
MCEE
Loyd
Dobbler, do you like to sing Loyd?
LOYD
Oh yes, I
really do, this is a really exciting chance for me, I mean, I think I’m pretty
good, not trained or anything but I try real hard you know? Really excited to
be here.
MCEE
Loyd, that’s
great, and thanks for coming out the show, now all we need from you is just a
few notes, and we can tell you what part of the “Fach System” you belong in, why
don’t you sing a little something for us?
LOYD
Anything?
MCEE
sure, top of
your head
LOYD
Okay, here
goes…
(LOYD
sings. The four girls and the MCEE
look visibly upset by the sounds he makes)
LOYD (continued)
Whew, that
felt really good, what do you think?
(silence from all)
what Fach am
I?
MCEE
Loyd ladies
and gents, lets hear it!
(crowd begins but
quickly is stopped by Loyd)
LOYD
No, wait… I
wanna know what you think, ladies?
(girl 1 and 2 step off
stage)
come on,
what Fach am I?
(girls 3 and 4 do the
same)
oh, okay I
get it… I see how it is…
(LOYD
turns to the crowd and speaks directly into the mic)
I GUESS ILL
JUST GO FACH MYSELF!
(MCEE grabs the
microphone away from him)
MCEE
Give it up
for Loyd everybody!!
